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In honor of ‘Total Recall,’ the Colin Farrell movie taking heat from reviewers this weekend for being a cheap rehash of the 1990 original, we present the top 5 worst movie remakes of all time

At first we were intrigued: Quirk-meister Tim Burton seemed an obvious choice to retell Roald Dahl’s timeless tale. But Johnny Depp’s turn as Wonka was creepy in the wrong way — like a pale weirdo selling glow sticks at a rave. Gene Wilder is the real candy man.

4. THE LONGEST YARD (1974/2005)
For this prison gridiron classic, someone actually pictured Burt Reynolds’ badass icon Paul “Wrecking” Crewe, then pictured Adam Sandler in “The Waterboy” and thought to himself: “Yeah, that’s about right.” It wasn’t. At all.

3. GODZILLA (1954/1998)
Director Roland Emmerich, armed with a massive budget and cutting-edge special effects, updated the most destruction-heavy monster movie ever — and turned it into a total snoozer. This lizard was never meant for CGI. The lone enduring contribution: a Puff Daddy song. Sad.

4. PSYCHO (1960/1998)
Gus Van Sant’s colorized replica is a cautionary tale for young directors: Learn from the classics, but don’t serve them up warmed over. Roger Ebert called it “an invaluable experiment in the theory of cinema, because it demonstrates that a shot-by-shot remake is pointless.” Burn. 

1. PLANET OF THE APES (1968/2001)
Tim Burton makes the list again for this retread starring a bunch of damned, dirty apes and Mark Wahlberg, who reportedly chose this over a role in “Ocean’s Eleven.” Our theory on the flop: Wahlberg was simply not yet proficient in talking to animals.

What do you think is the worst movie remake of all time?

Should this young man — whose nature was apparently so obvious to his mother that, when a ABC News reporter called, she said “You have the right person” — have been able to buy guns, ammunition and explosives? The gun lobby will say yes. And the endless gun control debate will begin again, and the lobbyists of the National Rifle Association will go to work, and the op-ed thinkers will have their usual thoughts, and the right wing will issue alarms, and nothing will change. And there will be another mass murder.

That James Holmes is insane, few may doubt. Our gun laws are also insane, but many refuse to make the connection. The United States is one of few developed nations that accepts the notion of firearms in public hands. In theory, the citizenry needs to defend itself. Not a single person at the Aurora, Colo., theater shot back, but the theory will still be defended.

I was sitting in a Chicago bar one night with my friend McHugh when a guy from down the street came in and let us see that he was packing heat.

“Why do you need to carry a gun?” McHugh asked him.

“I live in a dangerous neighborhood.”

“It would be safer if you moved.”

This would be an excellent time for our political parties to join together in calling for restrictions on the sale and possession of deadly weapons. That is unlikely, because the issue has become so closely linked to paranoid fantasies about a federal takeover of personal liberties that many politicians feel they cannot afford to advocate gun control.

Immediately after a shooting last month in the food court of the Eaton Centre mall in Toronto, a young woman named Jessica Ghawi posted a blog entry. Three minutes before a gunman opened fire, she had been seated at the exact place he fired from.

“I was shown how fragile life was,” she wrote. “I saw the terror on bystanders’ faces. I saw the victims of a senseless crime. I saw lives change. I was reminded that we don’t know when or where our time on Earth will end. When or where we will breathe our last breath.”

This same woman was one of the fatalities at the midnight screening in Aurora. The circle of madness is closing.

Columnist ROGER EBERT, writing in the New York Times (via inothernews)
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